Thursday, October 9, 2008

Heart of Gold


I AM NOT THE PERSON I WANT TO BE!

I have always believed that when life is at your toughest, that is when your true self is revealed. Your true character is manifested in your responses to your trials and tribulations. Not only do trials and tribulations serve as the touchstone of your character, they also help create and stabilize your character. Just as a smelting heat is used to separate gold from rock and refine that gold into a precious metal, God allows us to endure trials not only to test our character but to refine it. And through these trying circumstances, He redefines us, purifies us.

So, after all of the tests, the trials and the tribulations, I should be more refined right?

Nope. Not yet. Must still be getting burned. I swear more. I withdraw more. I drink more. I remember that I used to go to church every Sunday. Look forward to it. We don't go to church anymore. I used to smile all the time. I don't smile any more. I don't even make eye contact. I used to initiate play dates and girls night outs. I used to reach out and welcome people. I don't play. I don't reach out any more.

Where did that woman go? Who is this in my skin today?

Just call me the female form of Job, you can call me "Joba."

I might just change my Twitter profile to Joba. Seems fitting.

Lord, why have you forsaken me? I used to love you and adore you with all of my heart but lately, you have given me too much to bear. There isn't enough love in my tank to care the way I want for my husband, my children, myself. The baggage of burdens are mine alone to carry. It makes my journey so lonely. I don't want to drag down others with my heavy load. I beg you to take over. Take this heart of mine. Take the grief and sadness I bear for my daughter as she struggles through her own life. The grief I have for my family as we shift our dreams to fit into our current circumstances. Take the disappointment I am faced with longing for laughter and friendships. Reduce my vision to accept this lot you have put at my feet. Help me to sort out my thoughts, to check off my to do lists, to sit long enough to write my to do list. My thoughts are scattered. My mind dizzy. My heart heavy, saddened. Awaken my heart to love you like I once did. Lift my eyes to see you and meet you again.

5 comments:

Lilly's Life said...

I am sure your prayer will be heard. I know what it is like to be deeply depressed and what you are feeling is real even though perhaps the causes of our depressions are very different. Hang in there.

I wrote a post today about my father. He taught me a lesson today. I was focusing on his many disabilities and somehow in doing this I forgot to see his many abilities. I realised what a mistake I had made and how I was wasting the time I spent with him because of this. You have many abilities. You recognise that you have to break the cycle of previous generations and you are doing that. You are a loving mother and wife. Your writing is wonderful. You have shown great strength and resilience to grow up in the way you did and survive and have a successful career. And go on to marry, have a loving relationship and two wonderful babies you cherish. Tell us some more about your abilities. Take Care and one day at a time.

Karla Akins said...

I've been where you are and sometimes I'm still there. You sound like you may have the symptoms of clinical depression. I strongly urge you to talk to your doctor. I tell you this as a friend who cares, not one who judges. I have been there. I am there. Everyday is a new opportunity to climb that mountain of my life and just take one nano-second at a time and try my best.

I find that praising the Lord in the midst of my struggles helps. It doesn't solve anything, but it does help me feel better and less alone. But some days, it's all I can do to put one foot in front of another. I know how that feels, sister. Hang in there. Don't judge yourself too harshly. You are only human, after all. Hugs to you.

Tammy Warren said...

Oh me. I am at the final post of your tonight. I started a couple of post below.

I said your prayer over three times. I know he will answer.

Judi "Jlo" Moran said...

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. We need more of this transparency on the net.
This is my kind of post.
This is what I seek to do in my writing: reveal my honest relationship with God.
This is what people truly need.
As Lilly says, when we come to God with hearts that are raw and full of longing, He answers in a big way.
Love,
Jlo

Shannon@Vogue Mum said...

Keep seeking and you will be rewarded. I think as women we naturally carry the burden (the place in our brain for worry is bigger than men)of everything. Maybe God wants you to see, you can't do it all on your own. When I have moments where I am bawling because I'm overwhelmed, I cling to 2 Corinthians 12:9. Hope that helps a little.

Shannon
Vogue Mum
Rock Star Maternity
Domestic Engineer's Union