Thursday, October 16, 2008

Needy. Control.

Needs.

Special needs? Everyone is special.

Too needy? Aren't we all?

Need a friend? But my friends are spread too thin as it is. I just moved here. Potential friends see my heavy baggage and they don't want to be friends with me. They all have their heavy burdens that they need to unload on me. So, I run away from them, withdraw into a cave. I only come out when I can leave my heavy load behind in the darkened lot that God has given me for today.

Today? Only today? Hoping for a brighter tomorrow? But when? Then what?

Oh how I wish I had more control. Control of my own life. Control of my thoughts just long enough so that I could put away the dishes without being interrupted or distracted with another task in my brain. Control over my home so that I was organized and my home was clean and tidy. Control over my temper so that I didn't explode like my kids with autism and ADHD! I wish I had control over my body so that when I cut back on calories and added additional exercise I would actually lose weight and feel some sort of reward.

Rewards. I thrive on them, just like my kids. But I can't organize our lives long enough to make a reward chart. If and when I do, I can't follow through on it. It falls off the fridge and gets thrown away. Or, my kids scribble or rip it. Or, when I try to show my kids the reward, I can't capture their attention long enough.

I could use a reward. Not in the form of stickers though. More like vacations, weekend getaways, date night, manicure or pedicure, shopping for a winter coat that I have needed for three years, someone to just call me and let me ramble without me feeling like I owe them.

Tit for tat. And that's that.

Sugar and spice and everything nice. That's what little girls are made of. Yeah, right. Whateves.

What about the effect that autism, ADHD and mood disorders have on the parents?

I think if I had a job again, it would give me structure, some form of control, self esteem. It would give me a break. It would give me adult interaction. It would just be a Band-aid. A Band-aid for this big boo boo that God is allowing me to suffer through right now.

It's back to the basics for me for today.

"Out for a Walk, Be Back at Noon"

3 comments:

Elizabeth Channel said...

Psalm 139 gets me through these times. Also asking for wisdom. As Beth Moore says, "The Lord is with you mighty woman of valor."

I'm not preaching to you. I'm just trying to help.

Lilly's Life said...

Its true you do need to share because then your realise what you are feeling is probably very normal in the circumstances. I went through bad times and I thought I was going crazy because no-one understood. The best thing that ever happened to me was to join a forum of others who had similar issues. It was an MSN discussion forum (my ex suffered from sociopathy and just about wreaked complete havoc on my life). It was THE best thing that ever happened to me. Suddenly I found hundreds of other people going through similar issues and I made friends with a few of them and have remained in contact. Its been a blessing because we can ring each other if the bad times are upon us and offload. We dont have to explain or feel bad because they know what its like. I wonder if there is something similar that you could tap into. Because the thing I have found is that unless the 'someone' you are telling has walked a similar road they just do not get it and never will. Its then you start to feel ostracised and an outsider. We need different things from different people. I also understand what happens to self esteem when you go from a high powered job to a stay at home Mom.

Keep writing and treat your writing as a job - because I think you are that good it could lead somewhere. Anyway I am not preaching either because none of us can do that to each other. But know that more of us think the same way then you may realise. One step at a time even if you take three backwards every now and then. All you need is to have one little win maybe and it will set you on the path. Take Care.

Cricket said...

Oh me...and then I dumped on you. Aren't we a pair. I can assure you that I am not staying in this mood. No way...no how...I am going out with the camera tomorrow.