Facelift and Poser Poster

So, I told you I would be provocative and honest in this blog. And, since, the true me is superficial in the flesh, I thought it was only a matter of time until the true superficial "me" would reflect itself onto my blog.

Although I write from the true pains and turmoil of my heart, I still on the outside appear to be smiling. I want so much for others to be attracted to me and want to like me. So, I say hello, I smile, I shower, of course. I just don't know where to draw the line from being myself to trying to be what others want me to be.

And, here I sit, a newbie in the blogosphere. Still wanting others to be attracted to my blog. I found myself even 'dropping' by to smile and say hello in hopes they might come over to my blog and like me too. I even spent a lot of time and energy redesigning my Entrecard and banner to my blog. And, just like me in the flesh, my body and my blog are a work in progress. Neither will ever look as perfect as I'd dream them to, no matter how much I work at them!

My therapist says that I need to work on not worrying what others think of me. He explains to me that there is a spectrum of people. There are those who on one side live and make every decision solely based on what others may think. He nods to me, "And that's you. You are on this side of the spectrum." Then, he continues, "There are others who don't care what people think. They are rude and insensitive. They even give up their rights as parents because they don't care about what anyone thinks."

Why do I care what others think of me so much?

I do know that all that caring and worrying is wasted energy. I come home tired after being around people. If our kids are loud in public, I feel badly for the parents who look stressed from the noises - even if it was during a birthday party and the hostess gave my kids noise-makers. Come on! If your kids can't make noises with noise makers at a birthday party, when can they? If there is a new person in town and I don't reach out the her and put on my friendly welcome mat-like smile, then I feel bad for them. I feel like I should bring them homemade cookies and ask them questions about themselves. I am so made to do that. How can I change that? Why can't I just not care? I need to be more towards the rude and insensitive side of the spectrum, I suppose.

God, please help me to not care! Huh?

As I sign off for now, I leave you with this quote from the famous Popeye:
I am who I yam and that's all I yam. I even eat spinach ONLY when people are watching me so I can 'look' like I am a healthy eater. I really don't even like spinach. I am such a poser!

It Ain't Easy Being Me

Today, as I spring clean in the month of August, I realize that I am living a triple life. One in the flesh. One in Facebook. And, one here on my blog.

My life in the flesh is constantly trying to contain my true self. I try to not be too competitive. I try not be too loud or too fancy. I always feel fat and not sexy. I want my kids and I to match the pictures in the magazines. I make my decisions, life impacting decisions based on what others will think. I think that is the real reason I lived in Chicago in fact. I thought how cool it would be if I moved there. Then, once I was there, I picked a home based on what my address would look like on a Christmas card list. If I were to be completely honest with you, I even believe that integrity means looking nice. I had a personal coach last year and we were supposed to spend one week defining what integrity meant to me and a plan on how to get that. It took me six months because I would try to tell myself that integrity was about being virtuous, pure and honest. It was about being a good mom and wife. That is what I wanted it to be and how I thought it was supposed to be. But, when I dove deeper into my value system, I realized that integrity to me at the time meant what I looked like. Did I look poised, self controlled, wrinkle-free and together? I realize this is shallow. I am working on changing my value system, but for now, I have to make sure that I have a nice wardrobe or else I don't feel very good about myself.

Then, there is the life I lead on Facebook. In this life, I feel pretty good about myself because Facebook is a perfect spot to be witty and have fun. This fits me to a tee! But, I also have realized that making witty and friendly comments and status updates isn't the true me. And, the Facebook life doesn't satisfy me enough. It is just as shallow as some of the long lost friends I have found again through Facebook. I guess it is OK to have a light and lively outlet, but my Facebook life certainly represents the old me.

Then, there is my blogging life. This is where I let it all hang out. I tell it just as it is. No sugar coating. Sometimes I wonder if I am too dark and dismal, or too into myself here on Crazy Jugs. Then again, it is who I am. I wish it wasn't so Debby Downer-ish. I wish I were cooler. But maybe just being myself is good enough... My therapist would be proud.