Fitness Queen or Flatulence-Challenged Middle Aged Fat Housewife?

I went to play group today and a friend overheard me talking about various things like my recent spinning class and wiiFit attempts and she shouted above the toddler toy whistling bang bang toys, "Hey, I didn't realize you were such a fitness queen."

To which I replied, politely, smiling "Yeah, I have always been a workaholic work out person."

I wanted to say: Fat people can work out too ya know!


The past year, I have spent endless hours jogging, walking, elliptical, wiiFit, and yesterday I started my first spinning class. There were 25 bikes that were being used efficiently by 24 very fit teenaged girls, and well, me. As we were warming up, the perky size 1 instructor pointed directly at me and said into her Madonna concert mic, "Are you a first timer?"

To which I replied, politely, smiling "No, I have done spinning, just not at this gym."

I wanted to say: Just because I am middle aged and fat doesn't mean I don't enjoy cool work outs like SPINNING. In fact, I used to do spinning all the time before I was married with kids.

Then I pondered to myself: Was that really 80 pounds and a DECADE ago!


Can't this chubby middle aged housewife catch a break?

Another friend invited me to go with her to today's Pilate's class. I declined. Ever since I passed gas at the last Pilate's class I attended four years ago, I have been sort of shy to it! Am I the only flatulence-challenged middle aged chubby housewife who can't do Pilate's?

21st Day of a Sugar Free Diet

Three weeks ago, I started saying NO to white, processed sugar and foods pre-sweetened artificially with sugar. So far, I am not ready to completely cut other carbs such as fruits and starches, nor am I denying artificial sweeteners like Splenda and Sweet-n-Low. The way I see it, I am not on a path to die from Splenda. But if I don't change my ways, I will be on a fast track to death or diabetes by eating sugar for sure.

If you have read previous posts, you will have found that I have a life long eating disorder. Counting calories only makes me obsessive. I struggle to lose weight so that I can be healthy. I have made monumental changes in my life so that I can focus on self-care through eating healthy and exercise. Since making those changes over a year ago, I have been on a rather intense exercise regime and have tried restricting my food intake without being on a formal diet of one kind or another. However, after a year and a half, I have lost zero pounds- ZERO, ZILCH, NIL, much to my chagrin.

Realizing that sugar is only a friend to the egregious amounts of triglycerides, I've decided to make every attempt to make them both go away. Here is a quick review of my sugar free journey:


Day One "There's a tear in my beer."
Well, not beer in the morning, but I am crying over my coffee. Sadly, one of my top three favorite things is my cup of morning coffee. It is dear to me and I have enjoyed its rich, robust, creamy deliciousness for two decades. Today, my darling husband brings me a cup of Joe, sweetened with Splenda. Oh, I will miss you coffee with cream and sugar!

Day Two Withdrawal Symptom: Migraine
Achy and irritable, I realize that I am having sugar withdrawal. I also am feeling very hungry. I wrote this post just for fun and from the passion, love and lust I had for the powdery glistening poison. I also start telling every one I know about what I am doing and tweeting about it because I am obviously obsessed with my loss.

Day Three Encouraging Comments
Amazed at the support from Twitterville to the Blogosphere, I feel like I have some accountability if not just an outlet for my obsession. My Aussie friend, Lilly from Lilly's Life made this comment to me:

"I think we have to convince ourselves that sugar is poison. What I never get is I treat my car better than I treat myself and there is no way I would put sugar in my car. I mean logically it does about as much damage to us as it would to our cars... Tomorrow is another day! Its poison ok?"

Day Seven Excuses Excuses!
I cheated! But, the dog who ate my homework made me do it. No seriously I did eat sweets out of forgetfulness and old habits. See, we were taking a family road trip and we went through a drive through for a mid-drive ice cream treat. Husband ordered a round of ice cream cones and I of course did not think twice about it. I was licking my third or fourth bite when I realized that I wasn't supposed to be eating sugar. I decided to just laugh it off and enjoy the rest of the cone. I also caught myself taking a bite of the family-shared cheesecake after dinner that night. Oops. Not going to beat myself up over it! Little did I know....

Day Eight Detox. Again.
Ouch. Headache, body ache, stomachache all came back for a revisit. Must detoxify - AGAIN.

Day Ten I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone
Feeling ecstatic, almost euphoric. Have more energy and can organize my thoughts better. Decided to vacuum just because one day! Not needing naps in the mid-afternoon. I love this new found freedom from the sugar cravings!

Day Eleven I Like to Move It Move It.
Bowels are in full swing again. Not sure if it is because I am starting to try to fill myself with more healthier foods that are fibrous or if my body is just more relaxed and not trying to "put out the sugar fires" in my system. I start having more relaxed and healthy bowel movements.

Today is Day 21 of my Sugar Free Diet.
I have more energy, more confidence, more clarity. And with these new benefits, I am finding that it is easier to make healthier foods for my meals and snacks. I take the time to do self-care. For example, one day for lunch, I actually made myself an omelet with swiss, ham, tomatoes and asparagus. I am enjoying my foods more now that I don't crave sweets any more. I also am in touch with hunger and fullness, a sensation that took the back seat while my sugar and sweet cravings dominated my stomach.

I think the level of exercise doesn't have to be as intense as I was doing before. Now, I have been enjoying my wiiFit for less than 30 minutes and I feel the benefits. When I was mixing sugar with my previous exercise, I felt like I needed to run two or three miles before my body would respond in a fat burning manner. Most of this is total speculation, but I do feel like my body is running better than it did when I ate sugar from my morning coffee and cereal, to my afternoon chocolate fix to desserts with dinner and my night time chocolate obsession.

Even greater news is that I have lost seven pounds. Because of this weight loss, I now have more hope that I may have found a diet that works for my body better.

To be continued...

Sugar: I love you I hate you

Sugar, I love you.
Sugar, I hate you.

You trick me into thinking that you are so good to me. The way you taste, the way you sparkle.
You send happiness from my buds to the twinkles in my eyes.

But then you stay, you don't go.
You turn into nastiness, flubber, illness and fog.
You make me into an old woman, decrepit and weary.
Bleached by lye and lies, you will be a witch's brew in my eyes.

But in my heart, I will miss you.
I will miss your sweet nothings, the way you calm yet excite me,
The way you stay when everyone leaves.
Yes I will miss our private times.

Those moments will be memories left in the past with the pain
A new day is coming, and those times and pounds will melt away.
I hope.
I pray.
For today is only one day.

Another Weighty Issue

Since I could remember, after every birthday ritual of blowing out the candles or tossing a penny into a fountain or blowing a fallen eyelash or ladybug or wishing upon the first star I would close my eyes and combine my wish with a prayer. I would say, "God, I wish to be thin."

With all of the struggles I have on my plate, the fiercest of all conflicts is the one that I have been fighting with on a daily basis my entire life. That is my weight. You may recall reading my post titled, Confessions of a Second Grade Closet Eater,

where I discuss my life since the age of eight, and how food was always a battle for me and accepting my body as is has always been a struggle for me. I have always denied my real hungers to the point that I find it difficult to recognize it anymore. I have tried so many different diet strategies that my body has finally decided not to play with me. Like playing tic tac toe, there comes a time when no one wins and it just isn't worth the time or devotion to play. 

Five years ago, my daughter Sienna turned two. Right after celebrating her birthday, the fanfare and family left to go home, Sienna went to bed and I sat on the couch with my husband, Fred. I was tired but most of all, I was sad. When I was two, my parents divorced. I thought about how tender and sensitive of an age my daughter was in and I couldn't imagine leaving her. How then could my parents have split me in half, my life and my heart at the tender age of two? I felt so much sadness about this, that I slipped into an emotional coma. This depression was too great for us to handle alone and Fred and I decided that I should get some intensive therapy, once and for all we thought. 

It was also at this time that I had been trying to diet and get healthy. It had been two years since I was pregnant and no matter how much I denied foods and increased exercise, I could not get below 200 lb, let alone 230 lb! I was even following a new diet based on fasting and praying that I was learning from an extremist view about fasting from Stormie Omartian in a book titled, The Power of a Praying Woman. 

I became very dedicated to this methodology. Earlier that year, I fasted for three days. I didn't eat any thing in hopes that God would hear my cry and help me to lose weight. In fact, I didn't pray and dedicate my fasting to be self serving alone, there were other prayers and petitions I offered to God during this time too. But, at the core of my desires was the need to lose weight. For I believed that if I were thinner, all my problems would be solved. I now look back and cannot believe how immature my mind set was then. And, by the way, that three day fasting fiasco left me with a week long migraine and a dark night of severe body convulsions and throwing up. I do not recommend this exercise, nor do I believe many professionals would recommend anyone to try it either.

We then decided that I should take a brief leave of absence and take some time for myself at a nearby out patient clinic. This was a Christian clinic that helped others with depression. During that time, I learned that I was struggling with a lot of loss. My daughter at the age of two would not engage with me and was so difficult that I had decided earlier to put her into day care and go back to work full time. Also, my mother had been so challenging and disrespectful towards Fred and me that under the recommendation of my small group from church, I had to place some boundaries. These boundaries led to another period of estrangement with my mother. I was at a point in my life that I was not able to bond with my daughter or have a relationship with my own mother and I was so depressed that I wanted to just drool sometimes. I also had a secret death wish and would try to drown myself with Big Macs and fries chased by Snicker bars and Cokes. I had ballooned to a 250 lb wearing the same sweatshirt every day that was a size 3X. My daily drives to the clinic lasted for four weeks. Afterwards, I still met with therapists and took medication but I had gained so much insight about how to manage my life and cope with stress.

One major stress in my life that I learned through my time there at the clinic was that I had a life long eating disorder. I didn't think I was "good enough" to be a successful anorexic or bulimic. I joined support groups for this and met with a nutritional therapist weekly for a little bit over a year or so. During my therapy sessions with Iris, she would instruct me to eat, or refuel my body every three to four hours with whatever food I wanted. I needed to stop giving certain foods power by labeling some foods good and some bad. Moreover, she instructed me to learn to love my body. She once asked me, "Who do you think you are? God created your body to be just as it is and you are always trying to reshape it and recreate it. Maybe God created you to be a larger woman. What is so wrong with that?"

Every week, I would talk to her about how difficult it was to find clothes that fit me. She would tell me about her very tall husband who also had difficulty. I would tell her about the stress of my business and travel and how challenging it was for me to eat in public. She would help me through every case scenario. She would weigh me in every session but would not allow me to see the results. I was able to get down to 230 lb not dieting through restricting my eating or adding exercise, just by trying to trust my body and love it. 

I eventually stopped seeing Iris when I discovered that I was pregnant with Sarah. I also decided that I had a deeper desire to be successful in my career and she recommended that I see a business coach to help me build my company and career instead of meeting to talk about my weight. It has been about three years since meeting with Iris. So much has happened with my career since then, and with Sarah and Sienna and with all of our lives. One of the reasons we made the decision to move to a rural midwestern town was to simplify our lives so I could be a better mommy to our girls. Also so I could give myself the self care necessary so that I would not end up dying like my mother did at the young age of 62. 

Now, I struggle with my weight. Not so much because of the superficial reasons that kept my weight such a struggle from age eight to early 30s. I now struggle because I have been running, walking, bike riding and being very active. I try to eat healthy foods. And, with the increased activity levels since moving here 18 months ago, I find myself with an enlarging tummy, looking as if I am pregnant. I am trying to figure out how to get healthy with out struggling with diets and the slippery slope of obsession that spirals me into yo yo dieting. 

I think I will schedule to visit a doctor about this. I fear that he will just put me on a strict diet though and it will awaken that diet monster that has been hibernating for the past five years!