Sadness in Shoulders

I feel the sadness in shoulders.
Weighted and worn from the burdens,
Stretched and sore from the history of rejection and sadness.

Woefully I wonder. Desperately I hope to find a refuge
Free from folly, foes and pranks.
A day when the sun rises from the east and speaks
Clearly. Directly. Encouraging me.

"Mind no matter what they say, what they do and what the leave you.
Keep the best, in you and by you.
Breathe in the breath from your creator. Renew your weakened soul.
Lift your gaze to the northern hills, outrageously alive and creatively refreshed.
Blessed and rebirthed, the gift has been given, sealed and forever yours.
His Will is for you to know you are loved by Him, His Son and Spirit.
This world is passing, sadness fleeting, burdens will no longer be shared."

It's All My Fault!

There is a small voice inside my heart and soul that speaks to me at times and it shouts at me, "It's all your fault!" Sometimes this voice is from the actual words family, friends and teachers have suggested to me. And, for some reason, I have held onto them. I need to let them go. Sometimes it is just pure paranoia.

Regardless, it is a voice I am always trying to drown out. And, at times, I listen to it and it makes me want to cave in and go away on an emotional coma.

As a mother to two children on the spectrum, it is unavoidable to blame yourself at sometime or another, especially in today's world. If you are a parent with a child on the autism spectrum, then perhaps you too hear a voice that distracts you.

"It is all your fault that your daughter has so many problems. And here is why:
- You didn't take your prenatal vitamins
- You worked and traveled too much when you were pregnant
- You worked and traveled too much as soon as you had your babies
- You had a party when Sienna was only two months old and let too many people hold her
- There were too many flashing lights and electric vibrating contraptions in her baby toys
- You let her sit in her bouncy seat too much
- You nursed her laying down too much, you should have cradle nursed
- You only nursed her for nine months and then you let your milk dry because you didn't want to pump while at work any more
- You partied too much in your 20s
- You were a difficult child so this is pay back time. HA HA HA (But it isn't funny at all.)
- You eat too much and you're too fat and lazy
- You colored your hair that one time when you were pregnant
- You gave Sienna Baby Tylenol too much when she seemed cranky or in pain
- You let your baby watch too much Baby Einstein's
- You didn't spend enough time with your baby even though when you tried, she seemed like she always ran away from you
- The sound of your voice made the baby scream and run away - the sound of your voice makes everyone run away
- You didn't know how to be a good mom so now your child is depressed
- You don't nurture your child like you should and now she is lonely
- You don't spend enough time with your girls even though you left your career to be a stay at home mom and play games, read books and do crafts with them whenever they want!
- You don't spend enough time tucking your daughter in at night and that is why she angrily cries, "I don't want to be alive!" at the age of 6 after you say your final, "Good Night"
- Maybe you didn't read enough to her when you tuck her in - even though you have read to her 1 - 5 books nightly since she was in your belly
- No one else thinks anything is wrong with your kids - they only see a mom who lets her kids get away with too much
- You keep going to doctor after doctor, someone is bound to tell you your child has autism
- Don't you hold your kids?
- Your toddler seems hungry, even though she ate two bowls of oatmeal for breakfast and a granola bar before we came to the store
- Your toddler is just tired, even though, she got a solid night of sleep and her nap time isn't for another 3 hours
- You should tell your children to behave
- You should be a better mom
- You should try to be more rational when dealing with your daughter. After all, you are the parent.
- Why do you worry so much?
- Why are you so hard on yourself?
- Why don't you try to do this?
- You should read this book or that book or this therapy or that therapy, have you tried the special diet?
- Maybe if you tried doing this, she will get better
- Your kids will outgrow this
- This is just a phase
- You have no control of your children
- Other moms talk about you behind your back and think you probably abuse your children
- Your daughter doesn't get invited to parties or play dates because she is probably contagious
- We don't see anything wrong with your daughters; they seem like typical children to us. Maybe you expect too much from them
- You need to love your kids more, they are just kids
- All kids chew on the tables and chairs and books and lick the windows and door knobs
- Maybe you feed them too much sugar and food dyes
- Kids are just kids
- You are blowing it out of proportion

And, I take a deep breath. I remember that God has trusted me to care for these special girls. We are on a different path than most and I believe that God has a special plan for these children and for me. I am taking it one day at a time. God knows my story, he is the author of life. He knows me and my girls and He will guide me as I embark on this journey of motherhood.

Another personal value I need to give up...

OK. So, this has been a year of grieving. Grieving my mother was part of human nature. It was painful and dreadful. It was natural progression, a typical experience that although the details may differ from person to person, we all must endure the grieving of our parents and others we love at sometime or another in our lives.

But the grieving gear grinds onward. I continue to grieve my hopes and dreams.

I tell myself, "Due to a series of misfortunate events..." or "God's will for my life overpowered mine..." or "My girls and their special needs needed more from me than a career minded mother could give." Ain't that the truth.

And, as I learn more about my daughters' special needs, I realize that each day I am giving up more. I really didn't have a choice in the matter. I once was a career driven mother who strived for success so much that my goals surrounded themselves around my idea of the legacy I planned to pass down to my daughters and other women in corporate America. I prided myself as a woman who lived above the glass ceilings. The more the ceilings would surround me, the harder I would work. I was not going to give up on that, for the sake of my own daughters I would say to myself. But, I did give in. I caved. I gave up. I ran away from the prize.

Along with that, I had to give up the six-figure income that I alone provided to our family. I gave up my wardrobe and my designer purses. I gave up my Chicago office address. I still keep my business cards though. No one cares but me. I tried to drag along my professional network but realized soon enough that the professional circles I surrounded myself around didn't have the attention span to keep up with my juggling acts of dropped balls. I give up. Can't run with the wild. It was time to exchange the heels for crocs.

Now, a year later, I realize more and more that I need to give up. I learned at my last counseling session that I needed to "Stop caring what others think of me."

Well. How the hell do I do that? That shakes me at the very core of my existence. I admit, it would be a lot easier to not worry about other people's stares and judgement and opinions on how I parent my children and react during their public explosions. My therapist says that I spend way too much energy being embarrassed and trying to 'control' how other people think of me and my family.

It makes perfect sense. Don't worry about what others think of you. I just don't know how and I don't know where to draw the line. Help.